its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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