if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
