She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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