do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
