I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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