i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
