happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
