Sponge bath it is.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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