It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
