I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
