That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
