I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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