I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
