Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
