Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
