So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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