Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
