Can i not drive my cunt home
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
