Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
