When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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