then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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