I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
