I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
