Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
