So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
