rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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