i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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