I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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