my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
