She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
