I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
