sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
