also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
