I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
