I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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