nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
