Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
