We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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