I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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