on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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