I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
