My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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