why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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