so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
