I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize