I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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