I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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