And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
