P.S. I can't hear my feet
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize