One girl and one boy is just not enough.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
