he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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