I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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