R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
