So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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