he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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