Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
