Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
