I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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