I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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